The Vegemite Chronicles
by AussieBullDog
Summary: Chapter 4 is up - The Scoobies have gotten their Vegemite back again, and everything seems fine. But when it comes to Vegemite, can anybody really be trusted?
1. Welcome To The Vegemite

TITLE: The Vegemite Chronicles (1/?)  
  
AUTHOR: AussieBullDog  
  
RATING: PG-13 (no worse than the show)  
  
FEEDBACK: See, it's thing where you read someone else's fic, then you tell the writer what you thought of it. The writer gets enough good feedback, they keep writing. Everybody wins.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon? Yes. Me? No. Enough said.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: You want it? You can have it. Just let me know where to see it.  
  
SUMMARY: In an AU Sunnydale, Vegemite is more valuable than blood.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first instalment of what will probably become a long-running but silly series, written in script form. Each instalment will incorporate ten quotes from a BtVS/Angel episode. The rest is just me having fun. Hope that makes sense. Enjoy. Thanks must go to the people at the Psyche transcripts site, without whom this fic would never have happened.  
  
DEDICATION: To Christopher Marlowe, for inspiring me to turn this silly little idea of mine into a fic. Blame her if you don't like it. Shower her with overwhelming praise and affection if you do. And to Vegemite lovers all around the world - our mummy says we're growing stronger every single week.  
  
***  
  
THE EPISODE: Welcome To The Hellmouth  
  
The quotes:  
  
DARLA: I heard a noise.  
  
XANDER: See, I wanna change.  
  
BUFFY: Trendy, but tasty.  
  
WILLOW: Oh, it has that effect on most kids.  
  
GILES: You really have no idea what's going on, do you?  
  
ANGEL: Don't worry. I don't bite.  
  
BUFFY: I really didn't like him!  
  
CORDELIA: God! What is your childhood trauma?  
  
LUKE: I've sent your servants to bring you some food.  
  
DARLA: He was young and stupid!  
  
***  
  
CHAPTER 1 - Welcome To The Vegemite  
  
***  
  
An underground lair, somewhere below the town of Sunnydale. Three vampires are gathered around a small fire, their heads lowered, their eyes shut. They are the Master, Luke, and Darla.  
  
THE MASTER: We have arrived. The Order of Aurelius are poised to reign supreme over the human pestilence.  
  
LUKE: The mystical energy of the Hellmouth will be our beacon.  
  
DARLA: This town will see us receive our greatest weapon, and we will smother those above us into oblivion.  
  
THE MASTER: All we need is to discover their greatest weakness, and exploit it. Then it will all be ours.  
  
Darla's head shoots up, and her eyes open.  
  
DARLA: I heard a noise.  
  
Luke and the Master open their eyes to look at her.  
  
LUKE: What is it?  
  
Darla gazes upwards towards the roof of the lair.  
  
DARLA: I don't know. Something above us.  
  
Suddenly, an object falls from above, striking Darla in the center of the forehead. She slumps to the ground, unconscious. Luke bends down, and picks up the object.  
  
THE MASTER: What is it?  
  
LUKE: It's a jar of something. There's writing on the front of it.  
  
THE MASTER: What does it say?  
  
LUKE: It says ... Vegemite.  
  
THE MASTER: Vegemite? Let me see that.  
  
Luke hands the jar over to the Master. The Master opens the jar, and dips a finger into it.  
  
THE MASTER: I've heard of this, but I've never tasted it.  
  
He holds his Vegemite-coated finger up in front of his face, and looks at it for a moment. Then he puts his finger into his mouth, and tastes the Vegemite. When he removes his finger, the Vegemite is gone.  
  
THE MASTER: Excellent! Luke, round up some of the minions. We need more of this Vegemite. I think we've found the key.  
  
***  
  
The Sunnydale High School library. Willow and Buffy are seated at the table, doing some studying. The doors open, and they look up to see Xander walking in. He is holding a Vegemite jar in one hand, and digging his fingers into it.  
  
XANDER: This stuff is amazing!  
  
WILLOW: (delighted) Xander! You tried the Vegemite!  
  
XANDER: See? I wanna change. Where did you get this stuff?  
  
WILLOW: I have distant relatives in Australia who send some to me every year. (to Buffy) I've been trying to get him to eat Vegemite since we were seven.  
  
BUFFY: I used to eat Vegemite all the time in L.A.  
  
WILLOW: Did you like it?  
  
BUFFY: Trendy, but tasty.  
  
Xander sits down at the table, his fingers coated in Vegemite.  
  
WILLOW: I've got lots more back home. Do you want a jar?  
  
BUFFY: Sure!  
  
XANDER: Oh, man!  
  
WILLOW: What is it?  
  
XANDER: I feel weird. All of a sudden I've got this maddening urge to start singing Midnight Oil songs.  
  
WILLOW: Oh, it has that effect on most kids. You should have seen the looks on my parents' faces when I tried my first Vegemite when I was seven and started singing "Beds Are Burning".  
  
BUFFY: Did they freak?  
  
WILLOW: (thoughtful) I don't know. They went really quiet.  
  
Giles comes out from the librarian's office, holding a textbook open in both hands.  
  
GILES: Not surprising, really. People who have never eaten Vegemite tend to think of those who eat it and love it as, well, rather strange. But we have more important things to concern ourselves with right now.  
  
BUFFY: Like what?  
  
GILES: (looking up from the textbook) Oh, uh, well, I've been researching the Order of Aurelius, and I've found references to a ritual that opens the Hellmouth. These vampires intend to perform this ritual. And it appears that Vegemite is vital to their plans.  
  
XANDER: (confused) How's that?  
  
GILES: I'm not sure.  
  
WILLOW: Giles, I've got thirty jars of Vegemite at my house right now!  
  
BUFFY: And it's probably the only Vegemite in the whole town. You can't buy it here.  
  
XANDER: So what's the big deal? We ditch school, go to Will's place, get the Vegemite before the vamps show up, and hide it somewhere. Like my place!  
  
GILES: You really have no idea what's going on, do you? As long as there's Vegemite in this town, none of us is safe. We have to dispose of it as quickly and efficiently as possible. The Order of Aurelius are not to be taken lightly. They'll go to any necessary lengths to retrieve all the Vegemite they can find.  
  
XANDER: So the vampires are gonna be coming for Willow's Vegemite?  
  
ANGEL: Don't worry. I don't bite.  
  
They look up to see Angel standing just inside the library doors.  
  
ANGEL: In two hundred and fifty years, I've never liked Vegemite. I could stand in a locked room for days surrounded by Vegemite and not be tempted.  
  
XANDER: I wasn't talking about you, Deadboy. You're not even a real vampire anymore.  
  
Angel looks at Xander silently for a few moments.  
  
XANDER: What?  
  
ANGEL: There's Vegemite on your top lip.  
  
XANDER: Oh.  
  
Xander wipes his mouth, embarrassed.  
  
GILES: Angel, I'm glad you're here. The Order of Aurelius are planning something. We're not sure what exactly, but we know that Vegemite is involved.  
  
ANGEL: The Master.  
  
GILES: The vampire king?  
  
ANGEL: From what I've been hearing, the Master got his first taste of Vegemite this morning, and now he's addicted to the stuff. He's got his lackeys out looking for Vegemite anywhere they can find it.  
  
BUFFY: We have to get to Willow's. Now!  
  
XANDER: Second that.  
  
GILES: Yes, we best get moving.  
  
BUFFY: (to Angel) You coming?  
  
ANGEL: I can't. The sunlight.  
  
XANDER: Awww, too bad. Bye now.  
  
Buffy, Xander, Willow and Giles exit. Angel remains behind in the library.  
  
***  
  
Willow's street. The gang is moving quickly along the sidewalk.  
  
BUFFY: I really didn't like him!  
  
WILLOW: Who, Angel?  
  
BUFFY: Duh! Did you hear what he said earlier about Vegemite? I couldn't believe he'd say something like that!  
  
XANDER: Appalling, isn't it?  
  
GILES: Are we almost there, Willow?  
  
WILLOW: Just a few more houses.  
  
***  
  
The library. Angel hears the doors opening behind him. He spins around, only to bump into Cordelia, who has just entered. The force of the collision sends Cordy reeling back a few steps.  
  
CORDELIA: God! What is your childhood trauma?  
  
She recognizes Angel in front of her, and relaxes.  
  
CORDELIA: Oh, it's you. Where's Buffy?  
  
ANGEL: She had to step out.  
  
Cordy lets out an angry sigh.  
  
ANGEL: Is something wrong?  
  
CORDELIA: My Vegemite!  
  
ANGEL: (instantly concerned) What?  
  
CORDELIA: I had a jar of Vegemite in my locker, and now it's gone! Who could have taken it? Nobody knew I had Vegemite in there!  
  
ANGEL: They're here.  
  
CORDELIA: Who's here?  
  
***  
  
Underground, in the Master's lair.  
  
LUKE: I've sent your servants to bring you some food.  
  
THE MASTER: Vegemite?  
  
LUKE: As much Vegemite as they can get their hands on.  
  
THE MASTER: (smiling widely) Good.  
  
Beside them, Darla is slowly getting back to her feet. She's still a little groggy.  
  
DARLA: This Vegemite better be worth it. I've got a splitting headache.  
  
A thought strikes the Master, and he turns to Darla.  
  
THE MASTER: Angelus. Did he ever eat Vegemite?  
  
DARLA: (frowning) No. I used to eat it all the time back in Europe. But Angelus never tried it. Then he ate the man who used to make it for me. He was young and stupid!  
  
THE MASTER: That explains a lot. I can feel the Vegemite inside me, giving me strength. Perhaps if Angelus had eaten Vegemite, he wouldn't have gotten so careless and let those gypsies restore his humanity.  
  
Suddenly, Angel's voice rings out from behind them.  
  
ANGEL: If I'd have eaten Vegemite, I'd probably suffer some kind of adverse allergic reaction to it and end up looking a lot like you. Good thing I never tried it.  
  
DARLA: What the hell are you doing here?  
  
ANGEL: Sorry, honey. You're not getting away with this. That Vegemite will never be yours. I'll make sure of that if it's the last thing I do.  
  
THE MASTER: Then it shall be the last thing you do. Luke, kill him!  
  
Luke launches himself at Angel.  
  
T.B.C. 


	2. The Vegemite Harvest

The Vegemite Chronicles (2/?)  
  
***  
  
THE EPISODE: The Harvest  
  
The quotes:  
  
BUFFY: That's exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire.  
  
THE MASTER: You've tasted it.  
  
THE MASTER: Don't worry about it. I believe she'll come to us. We have something she wants.  
  
WILLOW: And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.  
  
CORDELIA: Well, I exhibit no surprise.  
  
GILES: The Master can draw power from one of its minions while it feeds.  
  
JOYCE: It's happening again, isn't it?  
  
DARLA: They're all for the Master.  
  
BUFFY: How'd it taste?  
  
GILES: The next threat we face may be something quite different.  
  
***  
  
CHAPTER 2 - The Vegemite Harvest  
  
***  
  
Willow's house. Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander are coming in the front door, moving quickly.  
  
BUFFY: OK, Willow, you and Giles go and get your Vegemite. Xander, you stay here and keep an eye out for any vamps. I'll check round the back.  
  
Suddenly, Willow's bedroom door down the hall slams open, and a vampire bursts out, carrying a large cardboard box with Willow's Vegemite jars in it.  
  
WILLOW: Hey! Get your hands off my Vegemite!  
  
BUFFY: That's exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire.  
  
XANDER: Really?  
  
BUFFY: Long story.  
  
Buffy pulls out a stake, and charges at the vampire. Seeing her coming towards him, the vamp growls, and takes off in the other direction. Before Buffy can catch him, he dives out through a window, shattering the glass, and lands on the grass in the backyard. Getting up again, he starts running, still carrying the box with both hands, jumping the back fence and disappearing from view.  
  
WILLOW: Oh, no!  
  
XANDER: Hey, why didn't he burn up? It's daylight out there.  
  
BUFFY: I didn't get much of a look at his face, but did he have Vegemite smothered all over him?  
  
GILES: Uh, I believe he did. It blocks out direct sunlight remarkably.  
  
XANDER: (sarcastically) Great. So now what do we do?  
  
***  
  
The Master's lair. Angel and Luke are trading blows. Suddenly, Luke sends Angel flying across the room. Angel lands heavily on the ground, then crawls to his feet and disappears behind a corner.  
  
THE MASTER: After him, Luke!  
  
Luke immediately runs after Angel, disappearing around the corner and out of the Master's sight. The sound of fighting can be heard for a few more moments, then suddenly, the sound of a vampire being staked. The Master stares intently for a moment, then Angel walks out from around the corner, grinning, one arm held behind his back.  
  
THE MASTER: (stunned) But ... how? Luke was my strongest warrior. He ...  
  
Still grinning, Angel holds out the arm he had hidden behind his back to reveal a jar of Vegemite in his hand. It's the same jar the Master was eating from earlier.  
  
THE MASTER: My Vegemite. You've tasted it.  
  
ANGEL: You were right about this stuff. Really strengthening.  
  
THE MASTER: Give that back!  
  
ANGEL: Oh, yeah? Or what, batnose?  
  
DARLA: Or I'll kill your little friend, Angelus.  
  
Angel spins around to see Darla, vamped out, holding Cordelia in front of her like a hostage, clutching her tightly around the throat.  
  
ANGEL: Cordelia?! What are you doing here?  
  
CORDELIA: (grunting, having trouble talking) I followed you down here.  
  
Angel gives Cordy a disbelieving look.  
  
CORDELIA: They took my Vegemite! I have to get it back!  
  
DARLA: (to Angel) Now, give the Master back his Vegemite, or I rip this one's throat out.  
  
Angel considers for a moment, then realizes he has no choice. He turns back to face the Master, and throws the jar of Vegemite at him with incredible force.  
  
ANGEL: Catch!  
  
The Master instinctively ducks, and the jar goes flying over his head. As he chases after it, Angel runs over to Darla, grabs Cordy by the arm, and the two of them quickly run out. Cordy can't resist a parting shot as they flee.  
  
CORDELIA: You freaks won't get away with this! Once the Slayer finds out, she'll kill you all!  
  
Darla is worried by this, and looks back down at the Master, who is cradling the Vegemite jar lovingly in both hands, smiling down at it.  
  
DARLA: This could be trouble. The Slayer? I'll kill her. As soon as the sun sets.  
  
THE MASTER: Don't worry about it. I believe she'll come to us. We have something she wants.  
  
Just then, the vampire who ran from the Scoobies at Willow's house appears, carrying the box with Willow's Vegemite jars in it.  
  
THE MASTER: It's only a matter of time now.  
  
Darla smiles evilly.  
  
***  
  
Willow's street. The gang is heading back toward the school.  
  
XANDER: This can't be happening! No more Vegemite?  
  
GILES: This isn't good. If the Master gets his hands on the Vegemite, there's no telling what he might do.  
  
BUFFY: But he can use the Vegemite to open the Hellmouth?  
  
GILES: Apparently so. And if he is allowed to open the Hellmouth, we're looking at, well, quite a nasty apocalypse.  
  
WILLOW: And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.  
  
***  
  
Later at the SHS library. Buffy, Giles, Xander, Willow, Angel and Cordelia are gathered.  
  
ANGEL: So the Master has all the Vegemite in Sunnydale now?  
  
GILES: Yes, I'm afraid so.  
  
CORDELIA: Well, I exhibit no surprise.  
  
WILLOW: Neither do I. Knowing you have all the Vegemite in town is a pretty powerful feeling. I should know. Well, I used to.  
  
One can almost see the lightbulb over Angel's head as Willow's last comment causes him to realize something.  
  
ANGEL: But you didn't!  
  
BUFFY: Huh?  
  
ANGEL: Willow didn't have all the Vegemite! The Master already had some!  
  
GILES: He had Vegemite?  
  
ANGEL: When I was down there, he had a jar. That's how I got the better of Luke. I swiped it when the Master wasn't looking, then I ate some of it. Gave me a real power boost.  
  
GILES: Oh, yes, I've heard that can happen. Vegemite is like a performance- enhancing drug to a vampire. The effects normally last for at least a couple of days before they begin to wear off.  
  
BUFFY: Which begs the question, if the Vegemite the Master had didn't come from Willow, where did it come from? And who gave it to him?  
  
CORDELIA: Well, whoever it was, they're totally stupid for giving their Vegemite away to somebody else.  
  
XANDER: I'm with you on that. If I have a jar of Vegemite, and I die before I can finish eating it, it gets buried with me.  
  
ANGEL: (to himself) Why didn't Darla ever tell me?  
  
BUFFY: What?  
  
ANGEL: Oh, nothing.  
  
Buffy stares at Angel for a moment, then looks at Giles.  
  
BUFFY: So, this ritual the Master's gonna use. How does it work?  
  
GILES: The Master can draw power from one of its minions while it feeds.  
  
WILLOW: Feeds? On Vegemite?  
  
GILES: Yes. The Vegemite has to be eaten in an open area for the ritual to work, so the Master's underground lair is of no use. And with the Master unable to leave his lair, he will select one of his minions to go above and feed for him.  
  
ANGEL: Darla. It has to Darla. With Luke out of the picture, she's the strongest now.  
  
BUFFY: So, we find Darla, and kill her before she can eat enough Vegemite for the Master to break free and open the Hellmouth.  
  
GILES: Simply put, yes.  
  
***  
  
The Summers house, night. Buffy is upstairs in her room, gathering weapons and putting them in a bag. Joyce comes in, whittling a stake.  
  
JOYCE: It's happening again, isn't it?  
  
She hands the stake to her daughter. Buffy adds it to the bag.  
  
BUFFY: Yep. Vampires plus Vegemite equals end of the world.  
  
Buffy slings the bag over her shoulder, and heads out.  
  
JOYCE: (calling) Have a nice time!  
  
***  
  
The Sunnydale High football field. Darla is kneeling in the centre of the field, the box of Vegemite beside her. There are now thirty-one jars in the box, the jar the Master had earlier among them. She is just about to open the first jar when she hears footsteps behind her. Turning around, she sees Buffy, Angel, Giles, Willow, Xander and Cordelia approaching her.  
  
BUFFY: Fun's over, Grandma. Give Willow her Vegemite back.  
  
Darla starts grabbing jars from the box and slipping them into her pockets.  
  
DARLA: They're all for the Master.  
  
WILLOW: Tell him to get his own Vegemite!  
  
ANGEL: Doesn't look like you've eaten any Vegemite yet, Darla. I had some earlier. Which means I'm stronger than you.  
  
BUFFY: How'd it taste?  
  
ANGEL: Pretty good, actually. I had no idea. (looks at Darla) Somebody didn't know how to share.  
  
Darla considers taking the Vegemite and running for it, but the sight of the Slayer with her stake poised and a vampire jacked up on Vegemite and looking for action changes her mind. She drops all the Vegemite she was carrying back into the box, and takes off. Angel moves to start running after her, but Buffy grabs his shoulder.  
  
BUFFY: Let her go. We can deal with her another time.  
  
She looks down at the Vegemite.  
  
BUFFY: We got what we came for.  
  
GILES: Yes, and we've prevented the Master from opening the Hellmouth. I'd say we've done pretty well. Now, let's get this Vegemite somewhere safe.  
  
WILLOW: Like my house?  
  
XANDER: No, it'd be too easy to find there. The vamps found it there once, they'll find it again. We should keep it at my house!  
  
GILES: It's too dangerous to leave this stuff just lying around where anybody or anything can get to it, Xander. All the Vegemite in Sunnydale is in this box. And everybody is going to be after it because of that very fact. Vampires, demons, monsters, ghouls ... probably even humans. The next threat we face may be something quite different.  
  
Angel picks up the box, and the group starts heading home. Cordelia remains behind for a moment, watching the others with an angry look on her face. Then she follows after them.  
  
T.B.C. 


	3. The Witch Wants Vegemite

The Vegemite Chronicles (3/?)  
  
***  
  
THE EPISODE: The Witch  
  
The quotes:  
  
GILES: This is madness! What can you have been thinking?  
  
BUFFY: So, this isn't a vampire problem.  
  
CORDELIA: I have a dream.  
  
XANDER: Cover me, I'm goin' in.  
  
XANDER: First vampires, now witches.  
  
GILES: I think we should be sure she's the witch before we arouse her suspicions.  
  
JOYCE: You're in a good mood.  
  
BUFFY: Giles, where would she be casting these spells?  
  
WILLOW: Do you actually ride a broom?  
  
AMY: I'm thinking of getting fat.  
  
***  
  
CHAPTER 3 - The Witch Wants Vegemite  
  
***  
  
The Sunnydale High library. Giles is pacing back and forth, angry and upset.  
  
GILES: This is madness! What can you have been thinking?  
  
We see Xander standing in front of the doors, having just walked in. He's holding an open jar of Vegemite in one hand, and is digging into it with the other.  
  
XANDER: Willow gave it to me. I got hungry.  
  
GILES: What on earth do you think you're doing, bringing that in here? Do you know how dangerous it is to carry Vegemite around openly in Sunnydale where anyone can get at it?  
  
XANDER: Oh, relax, G-Man. We're safe here in school. The only thing we have to worry about is a bunch of teenagers. What's the big deal?  
  
GILES: (sarcastically) Oh, right. Because human beings are never interested in Vegemite, are they?  
  
Xander, looking down at his Vegemite-coated fingers, realizes the point Giles is making. He closes the jar, and stuffs it into his pocket, out of sight.  
  
XANDER: Happy now, Mr. Spoilsport?  
  
GILES: Xander, with that jar of Vegemite in your pocket, you're a walking target. If I were you, I'd get rid of it as soon as possible.  
  
XANDER: (getting frustrated) Oh, will you calm down? I think somebody's being just a little bit paranoid, don't you?  
  
Suddenly, the doors open, and Buffy and Willow rush in.  
  
WILLOW: Giles! Somebody stole my Vegemite!  
  
BUFFY: Wait, you mean my Vegemite!  
  
WILLOW: Oh, right, it's your Vegemite, but either way, it's gone!  
  
Giles gives Xander a smug look. Xander looks down at the floor.  
  
GILES: (to the girls) OK, slow down. Somebody stole your Vegemite? All of it, you mean?  
  
WILLOW: Well, no, most of it's still safe at my house where I left it, but I brought two jars to school with me. I gave one to Xander, and I was going to give the other one to Buffy, but when I opened my locker just now, it was gone!  
  
Giles throws up his hands, unable to come to terms with the stupidity on display.  
  
GILES: I'm beginning to think I've turned into a broken record. How many times have I told you lot not to bring Vegemite out into the open? (to Willow) Do you have any idea who stole it?  
  
WILLOW: No!  
  
XANDER: Well, it couldn't be the vampires, right? I mean, they tried that already.  
  
BUFFY: Yeah, plus it's daylight.  
  
GILES: No, according to Angel's sources, the vampires are regrouping underground. And Buffy hasn't seen a single vampire in over a week.  
  
BUFFY: So, this isn't a vampire problem.  
  
GILES: No.  
  
XANDER: So, who's behind it? What are we dealing with?  
  
GILES: Well, this being a school day, I think the most likely suspect would be ...  
  
BUFFY: A student.  
  
GILES: Yes.  
  
WILLOW: A student? But who?  
  
***  
  
The girls locker room. Several girls are getting changed into their gym clothes. Cordelia is among them. The other girls eventually leave, and Cordelia is the only person we see. Looking around to make sure no one else is there, Cordy opens her locker, and we see a jar of Vegemite inside it. Cordy reaches out a hand, and strokes the jar gently with one finger, gazing fondly at it.  
  
CORDELIA: I have a dream. All the Vegemite in this town will be mine. I tried joining forces with the Master to help get Willow's Vegemite, but that was a dismal failue. And that's where you come in.  
  
Cordy slams her locker door shut, and we see Amy Madison standing just behind Cordelia, looking nervous. Cordy turns to Amy, and smiles.  
  
CORDELIA: When vampires fail, it's time to call in witchcraft. With your help, the Vegemite will be mine within hours. Next target - Xander Harris.  
  
***  
  
Willow's house. Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander are heading down the hall towards Willow's bedroom.  
  
WILLOW: Giles, do we have to?  
  
GILES: I'm sorry, Willow, but with this new threat, we can't leave your Vegemite here where whoever stole your other jar will come looking for it. We have to move it to a safer location.  
  
BUFFY: Any ideas on where?  
  
GILES: Well, I have one idea.  
  
The group reaches Willow's door.  
  
GILES: Xander, go in and get the Vegemite.  
  
XANDER: (dramatically) Cover me, I'm goin' in.  
  
BUFFY: Do now, joke later, Xander.  
  
Xander opens the door, and he and Willow enter her room. Buffy and Giles stay out in the hall.  
  
BUFFY: (to Giles) So?  
  
GILES: Hmm? ... Oh, yes, well, I was speaking with Angel last night, and he says he knows a place where nobody will come looking for the Vegemite.  
  
BUFFY: Well, where is this place?  
  
GILES: Oh, he doesn't want any of us to know. For extra security, presumably. He wouldn't even tell me. I'm meeting with him tonight, and I'll give him the Vegemite then.  
  
BUFFY: I just hope we can trust him.  
  
Giles is surprised at this.  
  
GILES: You don't trust Angel?  
  
BUFFY: Well, I mean, normally, yeah, but we're talking about Vegemite. And Angel just got his first taste of Vegemite last week, and he loved it. I don't know if he'll be able to resist Willow's Vegemite if we just hand it over to him.  
  
GILES: True, but Angel possesses remarkable mental strength. He has been able to resist human blood for almost a century.  
  
Buffy raises her eyebrows at Giles, giving him a disbelieving look.  
  
BUFFY: You're comparing Vegemite to blood?  
  
Giles considers this for a moment.  
  
GILES: Yes, I see your point. Perhaps we should keep an eye on Angel in the meantime, just to be sure.  
  
Willow and Xander come out from Willow's room. Xander is carrying the box with Willow's Vegemite in it.  
  
BUFFY: What took you so long?  
  
Willow and Xander look at each other in embarrassment for a moment, then back at Buffy.  
  
WILLOW: We got into an argument over who got to carry the Vegemite.  
  
Buffy looks at Xander with the box in his arms.  
  
BUFFY: And you settled it with arm wrestling?  
  
WILLOW: Rock, paper, scissors.  
  
XANDER: I totally surprised her with paper.  
  
WILLOW: I was sure he was gonna go with scissors. He always goes with scissors.  
  
XANDER: Yes, and you fell right into my little trap, didn't you?  
  
GILES: Have you quite finished? We need to get back to the school.  
  
XANDER: What? We're taking the Vegemite back to the school where the Vegemite thief has classes? Is that smart?  
  
GILES: I can hide it in my office until Angel comes after sunset. Although I imagine I could stack it right next to the textbooks in the upper stacks in plain view and no student would ever get close enough to see it.  
  
The four of them head for the front door.  
  
***  
  
The school library. Cordelia is crouching behind the counter, waiting for the gang to get back. She hears footsteps, and crouches further down, out of sight. The doors open, and the gang walks in.  
  
GILES: Right, we'll get the Vegemite stored away in my office. Buffy, Willow, you come with me. Xander, stay here and keep an eye out for anyone suspicious. No one else in this school can know where the Vegemite is. Nobody is above suspicion.  
  
XANDER: Got it.  
  
Giles, Buffy and Willow walk past the counter, not noticing Cordelia hiding behind it, and into Giles' office. Xander turns back around towards the doors. As he does, the doors open, and Amy walks in. Xander greets her, talking loudly so as to attract the attention of the rest of the gang.  
  
XANDER: Amy! What are you doing in here? If you're looking for a book, I'm afraid the library's fresh out of ...  
  
Xander trails off as he looks at Amy's face. Her eyes are pitch black.  
  
XANDER: Uh-oh.  
  
Suddenly, Amy raises her arms, and a bolt of bright light shoots out from her hands, hitting Xander square in the chest. Xander is sent flying across the room, and lands in a heap on the study table. As he lands, the jar of Vegemite falls out of his pocket, and hits the floor, rolling towards the wall. Amy turns, and quickly runs out of the library. Hearing the noise, Buffy, Giles and Willow come back out of the office, and run over to Xander.  
  
GILES: Xander, what happened?  
  
WILLOW: Are you okay?  
  
BUFFY: Here, grab my arm.  
  
Buffy puts her arm out, Xander grabs it, and she pulls him up to a sitting position on the table. He looks out of it, and his eyes are glazed over.  
  
BUFFY: What happened to you?  
  
XANDER: (dazed) Amy.  
  
WILLOW: Amy?  
  
GILES: Amy Madison? She's a witch, yes?  
  
WILLOW: Well, her mom was.  
  
BUFFY: Maybe it runs in the family.  
  
Xander is beginning to snap out of it, and he looks around.  
  
XANDER: Where's ...  
  
He starts to get up from the table, but Buffy holds him there, afraid he's still weak, not wanting him to try and walk yet.  
  
BUFFY: Where's what?  
  
XANDER: ... my Vegemite?  
  
Buffy looks around on the table, then on the floor.  
  
XANDER: My Vegemite fell out of my pocket.  
  
BUFFY: It's not here.  
  
Behind them, we see Cordelia sneaking quietly out of the library, Xander's Vegemite jar in her hand. The others are looking around on the floor, and don't notice her.  
  
GILES: Hang on a moment. Amy stole the Vegemite?  
  
WILLOW: She's the thief!  
  
XANDER: First vampires, now witches. Everybody's after my Vegemite.  
  
BUFFY: I gotta find Amy. She is so gonna pay for this.  
  
Buffy starts walking forcefully towards the library doors. Giles comes up behind her, and grabs her arm. Buffy stops, and turns to look at him.  
  
GILES: I think we should be sure she's the witch before we arouse her suspicions.  
  
BUFFY: (quietly) Giles, she stole my Vegemite. She stole Xander's Vegemite. I'm stopping this now.  
  
Giles has no answer for this. Buffy walks out.  
  
***  
  
The Summers kitchen. Joyce is squeezing oranges to make juice. Buffy storms in, looking angry.  
  
JOYCE: You're in a good mood.  
  
BUFFY: (not stopping) I take it that's sarcasm.  
  
JOYCE: Uh-huh. Let me guess, more Vegemite problems?  
  
BUFFY: Yep.  
  
JOYCE: Vampires?  
  
BUFFY: Witch.  
  
JOYCE: Oh.  
  
Buffy heads upstairs. Joyce returns to her orange squeezing. A few moments later, Buffy comes back into the kitchen, carrying a bag of weapons.  
  
BUFFY: Bye, Mom.  
  
JOYCE: Bye, honey.  
  
Buffy leaves.  
  
JOYCE: (calling) Have a nice time!  
  
***  
  
The library. Giles, Willow and Xander are at the table. Buffy walks in, carrying her weapons bag.  
  
GILES: Oh, Buffy, good. We seem to have encountered a bit of a problem.  
  
BUFFY: What problem?  
  
WILLOW: The Vegemite jars are disappearing!  
  
BUFFY: What do you mean?  
  
GILES: Exactly that. Every couple of minutes, another jar of Vegemite vanishes from the box. We believe Amy is casting spells to mystically transport the jars to her.  
  
BUFFY: How many jars do we have left?  
  
XANDER: Not many. Buffy, we gotta stop this!  
  
BUFFY: Giles, where would she be casting these spells?  
  
GILES: Oh, well, most likely the attic of her home.  
  
BUFFY: Then let's get there.  
  
XANDER: We're with you.  
  
GILES: (to Xander) No. You and I should stay here and keep an eye on the remaining jars. Buffy and Willow can go to Amy's home.  
  
WILLOW: Let's go then.  
  
Willow gets up, and she and Buffy head out.  
  
XANDER: Be careful.  
  
***  
  
Amy's attic. Amy is sitting on the floor, her legs crossed, her eyes shut. There are Vegemite jars all around her. Behind her, the door opens, and Cordelia walks in.  
  
CORDELIA: How's it going?  
  
Amy opens her eyes, and turns to look up at Cordy.  
  
AMY: I'm almost done.  
  
CORDELIA: Well, hurry up! I haven't got all day! What the hell's taking you so long, anyway? I thought you were a great and powerful witch!  
  
AMY: I am.  
  
CORDELIA: Well, pull your broomstick out of your ass and get me my Vegemite!  
  
Cordy turns back to leave, only to find Buffy and Willow standing in the doorway, blocking her exit.  
  
WILLOW: (to Amy) Do you actually ride a broom?  
  
BUFFY: (coldly) Hello, Cordelia. I should have known you were in on this.  
  
CORDELIA: (scared and nervous) Hi, Buffy.  
  
BUFFY: Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, give us back our Vegemite before I break your head open.  
  
CORDELIA: (desperately) No! It's mine! ... I need it! Get them, Amy!  
  
Amy gets up, and runs at Buffy. When Amy gets within arm's reach, Buffy belts her with a furious right cross. Amy hits the floor, unconscious.  
  
BUFFY: I'm not gonna repeat myself, Cordelia.  
  
Buffy thrusts a cardboard box at Cordy.  
  
BUFFY: Start packing.  
  
Not wanting to incur Buffy's wrath, Cordelia starts picking up the Vegemite jars and packing them into the box. As she puts the last one in, Willow walks over to her, and snatches the box from her hands.  
  
BUFFY: That's better. Now get out.  
  
Seeing her chance to escape unharmed, Cordy quickly leaves the room, and runs out of the house. Willow looks down at Amy.  
  
WILLOW: What should we do with her?  
  
BUFFY: Leave her. We'll deal with her if we have to. But she'll think twice before getting between me and my Vegemite again.  
  
Buffy and Willow walk out. As soon as the door shuts behind them, Amy's eyes snap open. She stands up, and pulls a jar of Vegemite out from her pocket.  
  
AMY: I'm thinking of getting fat.  
  
She holds the jar up in front of her eyes, and grins evilly.  
  
AMY: I think lots of Vegemite would be a good way to start.  
  
T.B.C. 


	4. Teacher's Vegemite

The Vegemite Chronicles (4/?)  
  
***  
  
THE EPISODE: Teacher's Pet  
  
The quotes:  
  
BUFFY: You're drooling.  
  
XANDER: Are we talking today, or the whole week?  
  
MISS FRENCH: My name is Natalie French, and I will be substituting for Dr. Gregory.  
  
WILLOW: Who would wanna hurt Dr. Gregory?  
  
GILES: Did you see someone with a fork?  
  
CORDELIA: Let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday.  
  
MISS FRENCH: I was just grabbing a snack.  
  
GILES: We can't just kick the door down.  
  
XANDER: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day?  
  
ANGEL: It looks better on you.  
  
***  
  
CHAPTER 4 - Teacher's Vegemite  
  
***  
  
The Sunnydale High library. Close-up on Xander's face. Xander is staring intently at something we can't see, and his expression is a picture of unadulterated desire.  
  
BUFFY: (offscreen) You're drooling.  
  
We pan out a little to see a hand holding a jar of Vegemite right in front of Xander's face.  
  
XANDER: Well, what do you expect, Buff, if you keep taunting me like this?  
  
Wider shot. Giles comes out of his office, and sees Buffy standing in front of Xander, holding the jar in front of him. He shakes his head, and crosses to the table. Before Buffy can react, Xander snatches the jar from her hand, takes a seat at the table, opens the jar, and starts digging into it with one hand. Giles watches him, concerned.  
  
GILES: Exactly how much Vegemite have you eaten, Xander?  
  
Xander looks up, Vegemite all across his top lip.  
  
XANDER: Are we talking today, or the whole week?  
  
GILES: Well, let's start with just today.  
  
Buffy takes a seat at the table, next to Giles.  
  
XANDER: Well, Willow and I were talking, and we decided the best way to hide the Vegemite would be to eat it. Willow's at home working her way through a few jars as we speak.  
  
BUFFY: That flu getting any better?  
  
XANDER: Nah, she's still pretty sick. The flu's kinda going around lately. I talked to Willow on the phone this morning. She said if she didn't have the Vegemite, she wouldn't know what to do with herself sitting at home in bed all day.  
  
GILES: So how much Vegemite have the two of you eaten since our confrontation with Amy Madison?  
  
Xander does a quick count on his Vegemite-coated fingers.  
  
XANDER: Five jars.  
  
BUFFY: (to Giles) Which leaves us with, what, twenty-six?  
  
GILES: Yes. And I'm keeping those twenty-six jars safely locked away until Angel comes by tonight to collect them.  
  
Xander puts up a hand.  
  
XANDER: Question. Do we want to just hand all our Vegemite over to a scary guy?  
  
Buffy gives Xander an angry glance for a moment, then gradually realizes he has a point.  
  
BUFFY: Yeah, I'm still not sure about this. I mean, how can we be sure Angel knows best about where the safest place for the Vegemite is when he won't even tell us where he's hiding it?  
  
GILES: Well, I don't think we have anything to be concerned about as far as Angel's sincerity goes. He has demonstrated that he can be trusted with Vegemite. The business with the vampires the other week is a perfect indication.  
  
BUFFY: Yeah, I guess you're right. I just wish we knew for sure what Angel had in mind for the Vegemite. I wanna be able to breathe easy on this one.  
  
Xander raises a hand.  
  
XANDER: (talking around a mouthful of Vegemite) Second that.  
  
***  
  
Willow's house. Willow is sitting up in her bed, eating out of a jar of Vegemite with her fingers. She looks up as the door opens, and Angel walks into the room. He is also eating from a jar, his fingers coated in Vegemite.  
  
ANGEL: I just can't get enough of this stuff. It's like a drug.  
  
WILLOW: Well, just remember, we have to make these jars last until tonight.  
  
Angel sits down on the edge of Willow's bed.  
  
ANGEL: Nobody knows I'm here, right?  
  
WILLOW: Oh, no. They think I'm still sick with the flu. I coughed a few times when I talked to Xander on the phone this morning, and he couldn't tell the difference.  
  
ANGEL: Good.  
  
WILLOW: But remember, you have to be at the library tonight to pick up the rest of the Vegemite from Giles. I talked to him, and he trusts you with the Vegemite. So make sure nobody figures out what we're up to.  
  
ANGEL: I'll take care of it.  
  
Angel pauses for a moment, thinking.  
  
ANGEL: You know, I can't help but wonder why you're going behind your friends' backs like this. This isn't like you.  
  
WILLOW: (a little sad) I know. But I'm just not comfortable with them knowing where my Vegemite is. I mean, look at the problems we've had already since I told the rest of the group I had Vegemite. Vampires, Cordelia, Amy ... it's just too risky. I wouldn't even be letting you in on this, but I can't protect the Vegemite all on my own. It's better this way.  
  
ANGEL: You're sure?  
  
WILLOW: I am.  
  
ANGEL: OK. You know I'll support you.  
  
WILLOW: I know.  
  
ANGEL: As long as you agree to share the Vegemite 50/50, of course.  
  
Willow grins.  
  
***  
  
The science room. Buffy and Xander walk in with the rest of the class. They take seats beside one another, then they notice that Dr. Gregory isn't at the front of the room. Instead, it's an attractive woman they've never seen before. She turns from the blackboard to face the class.  
  
MISS FRENCH: My name is Natalie French, and I will be substituting for Dr. Gregory.  
  
BUFFY: Where's Dr. Gregory?  
  
MISS FRENCH: I'm not sure.  
  
At the back of the room, Cordelia and Amy are seated beside each other, staring at Buffy and Xander angrily. Suddenly, Amy raises her hand, and speaks.  
  
AMY: I heard someone say Dr. Gregory was missing.  
  
Cordelia glares at Amy. Buffy and Xander turn to face her. Amy returns Cordy's glare with a 'What?' expression.  
  
BUFFY: He's missing?  
  
AMY: That's what I heard.  
  
Cordy continues to glare at Amy, who stares blankly back at her. Cordy turns to Buffy, and gives her a nervous smile, and a little laugh. Buffy and Xander look at each other for a moment.  
  
***  
  
Willow's room. Willow is still in bed, but Angel has gone. Willow is on the phone with Buffy.  
  
WILLOW: Who would wanna hurt Dr. Gregory?  
  
***  
  
The library. Buffy is standing at the counter, the phone up to her ear.  
  
BUFFY: I don't know.  
  
Giles comes over, and takes the phone from Buffy's hand. Buffy raises her eyebrows disbelievingly, while Giles talks to Willow.  
  
GILES: I've, uh, been asking around the teacher's lounge, and apparently, Dr. Gregory was quite partial to Vegemite. Now, I suspect that somebody knew about this, predicted that Dr. Gregory had Vegemite in his possession, and decided to do something about it. Obvious suspects to choose from would be Cordelia, Amy, and the Order of Aurelius. But we can't rule anybody out.  
  
As Giles listens to something Willow is saying on the other end of the phone, Buffy turns around when she hears the library doors opening behind her. She sees Angel walking in, a thick blanket in one hand.  
  
BUFFY: Angel? What are you doing here?  
  
ANGEL: I came early. Figured it wasn't safe leaving the Vegemite in here any longer.  
  
GILES: (into the phone) OK, you do that. Let me know if you find anything. Bye then.  
  
Giles hangs up the phone, and starts walking into his office.  
  
BUFFY: What did Willow say?  
  
GILES: Uh, well, she's going to search on her computer to look for a missing persons report on Dr. Gregory, if there is one. Hopefully, we can discover something that will help us to determine what happened to the man.  
  
BUFFY: Or possibly who happened to the man.  
  
GILES: Yes.  
  
Giles comes back out of his office, and notices Angel standing beside Buffy.  
  
GILES: Oh! Angel, you're here early.  
  
ANGEL: Couldn't wait.  
  
GILES: I see. Well, the Vegemite's in here.  
  
As Giles directs Angel into his office, Xander comes in.  
  
XANDER: OK, this one's really gonna interest you. Guess who I saw lurking around Dr. Gregory's room earlier?  
  
BUFFY: (impatiently) Who?  
  
XANDER: You're not gonna believe it.  
  
GILES: Did you see someone with a fork?  
  
BUFFY: Giles, nobody eats Vegemite with a fork.  
  
XANDER: Yeah, we all pretty much just use our fingers.  
  
BUFFY: (to Xander) So? Who was it?  
  
XANDER: Amy and Cordelia.  
  
BUFFY: What?!  
  
***  
  
Outside the building. Cordelia and Amy are walking through the main outdoor area of the school. Cordelia is visibly upset.  
  
AMY: (nervously) How are you?  
  
CORDELIA: What kind of question is that?! I was so close to getting that Vegemite, and then Buffy and her little sidekick had to come along and ruin it. (lets out an angry sigh) Let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday.  
  
***  
  
Inside the building. Buffy is storming up to Dr. Gregory's room. Once there, she throws the door open, and storms in. Expecting to see Amy and Cordelia, she is very surprised to see Miss French, the substitute, making herself a sandwich. A Vegemite sandwich, no less.  
  
BUFFY: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Miss French sees Buffy standing in front of her, and panics.  
  
MISS FRENCH: I was just grabbing a snack.  
  
BUFFY: Where did you get that Vegemite?  
  
MISS FRENCH: I didn't ...  
  
BUFFY: Was it Dr. Gregory's Vegemite?  
  
MISS FRENCH: Dr. Gregory? I ... I don't ...  
  
Buffy's eyes widen as a new idea hits her.  
  
BUFFY: Was it Willow's Vegemite?  
  
MISS FRENCH: I, uh ... Willow who?  
  
Buffy lashes out with a vicious right punch, and Miss French falls to the floor, unconscious. Buffy picks up the Vegemite jar from the desk (noting with relief that it's still almost full) and tucks it into her pocket. Then she picks up Miss French's Vegemite sandwich, and strolls out of the room, munching happily.  
  
***  
  
The library. Buffy walks in, finishing off the last of the Vegemite sandwich. Giles and Xander are seated at the table, facing away from the doors. They haven't noticed Buffy yet. Buffy becomes aware they are speaking quietly to each other, and starts to creep closer to eavesdrop on their conversation. Still unaware that Buffy is there in the room with them, Giles and Xander continue to speak in hushed tones.  
  
GILES: We can't just kick the door down.  
  
XANDER: We don't have to. Angel won't have any reason not to trust us. We just tell him we came over to check the Vegemite is still with him and safe, you distract him, I'll grab the Vegemite, then we'll split.  
  
GILES: I don't think that's a very solid plan.  
  
XANDER: Why not?  
  
GILES: Well, what do you think is the first thing Angel will do once he discovers what we're up to? He'll come after us.  
  
XANDER: (thinking quickly) If he comes after us, we'll offer a compromise. We split the Vegemite three ways, Buffy and Willow are none the wiser, the three of us get all the Vegemite, everybody's happy.  
  
Buffy can't believe what she's hearing. She realizes she has to get to Willow and let her know what Xander and Giles are planning behind their backs. She starts to creep back out of the library before the two of them can notice she's there, but she bumps up against the counter, and a pile of books falls off and hits the floor. Giles and Xander spin around at the sound, and their eyes meet Buffy's. Buffy is the first one to react, and she turns and runs out of the library. Giles and Xander are left to reflect in horror on this alarming new development.  
  
GILES: (quietly panicking) This isn't good. She probably heard every word we just said.  
  
XANDER: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day?  
  
GILES: I think we should probably go after her.  
  
XANDER: Second that.  
  
Giles and Xander quickly get up, and run after Buffy.  
  
***  
  
Willow's room. Willow and Angel are sitting on the bed, the box full of Vegemite jars between them. They each have a jar, and are happily eating. With their fingers, of course.  
  
WILLOW: I still can't believe it worked.  
  
ANGEL: Ah, it was easy. All the Vegemite is ours. And nobody even knows I'm here. It's perfect.  
  
Willow grins at him.  
  
ANGEL: What?  
  
Willow starts giggling.  
  
ANGEL: What is it?  
  
WILLOW: (still giggling) There's Vegemite on your top lip.  
  
ANGEL: Oh.  
  
Angel wipes his lip, clearly embarrassed. This only makes Willow giggle harder. Angel gets an idea.  
  
ANGEL: It looks better on you.  
  
Angel reaches out, and wipes his Vegemite-coated fingers across Willow's mouth, leaving a thick trail of Vegemite. As Willow starts to wipe her mouth, the door opens. Angel and Willow look up, and their hearts sink when they see an all-too-familiar figure standing in the doorway.  
  
BUFFY: What the hell is going on here?  
  
T.B.C. 


End file.
